


Bloody Hearts with Too Much Time

by spaceslade



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Attempt at Humor, M/M, Please Forgive me, Shippy, Swearing, This started off as a joke, im so sorry, now its real, theres nothing i can do now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2020-11-26 08:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20926829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceslade/pseuds/spaceslade
Summary: Do you ship Davekat? Dirkuu? Well then do I have an offer for you: boyfriend swap AU. Dirk is dating Karkat. Dave is dating Caliborn. Shenanigans ensue.





	1. At Least He's Contributing to Society

DAVE: hey guys cal has an announcement to make

CALIBORN: THAT IS CORRECT. THANK YOU DAVE HUMAN. MY ANNOUNCEMENT IS THAT I HAVE PURSUED A CAREER IN THE POLICE FORCE. A PURSUIT IN WHICH I HAVE SUCCEEDED. VICTORIOUSLY.

KARKAT: WAIT DOES THAT MEAN YOU’RE A COP NOW? DAVE ARE YOU DATING A COP?

DAVE: dont call him a cop dude hes just a crossing guard

KARKAT: A CROSSING GUARD

KARKAT: AS IN FOR CHILDREN

DAVE: yeah at the elementary school down the street

DIRK: I am going to chime in here to say that this is an absolutely god-awful idea.

CALIBORN: WHY. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT IT IS NOT WITHIN MY ABILITIES. TO ASSIST INFERIOR BEINGS IN WALKING TO SAFETY.

DIRK: I believe it is well within your abilities to guide dumb kids to wherever you would like them to go.

KARKAT: FOR EXAMPLE: INTO THE FRONT OF AN 18-WHEELER

DIRK: Damn Karkat, no need to get so graphic.

DAVE: dude dont insinuate what i think youre insinuating cal wouldnt hurt kids

DIRK: Dave, Caliborn has murdered literal billions of children.

CALIBORN: NO I HAVE NOT. STOP SPREADING SLANDER.

DAVE: yeah man that was lord english he and cal are totally separate people

DAVE: also those werent even kids those were the ghosts of kids so it doesnt even count

KARKAT: WHATEVER MAN IT’S YOUR FUNERAL

DIRK: Well, no. It will be those kids’ funerals. More like it will be your manslaughter lawsuit. I hope you know a good lawyer.

CALIBORN: THAT BRINGS ME. TO MY NEXT ANNOUNCEMENT.

CALIBORN: I WILL BE USING THE FUNDING. OBTAINED FROM MY NEW PROFESSION. TO PURSUE YET ANOTHER PROFESSION.

DAVE: what are you talking about you didnt tell me about this

CALIBORN: I HAVE TAKEN THE TIME. TO FILL OUT AN APPLICATION. FOR LAW SCHOOL.

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST

DIRK: Oh for fuck’s sake.


	2. THINGS WILL NEVER STOP FROM KEEP HAPPENING. CONSTANTLY.

DAVE: hey babe how was your first day at work

CALIBORN: TERRIBLE. THE HUMAN CHILDREN WERE. UNKIND.

DAVE: what thats bullshit

CALIBORN: YES. COMPLETE BULLSHIT. ONE OF THEM CALLED ME. “SKULL TROOPER.” I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. BUT I AM ASSUMING IT IS. A SLUR.

DAVE: ahahahahahaha oh my god oh my fucking god i cant breathe

DAVE: fuck holy shit cal i cant breathe hahahahahahahaha

DAVE: this is the end for me you killed me tell my family i love them

DAVE: well don’t tell dirk i love him

DAVE: we havent really established where he and i stand yet like we had that little moment before we fought the jacks but it wasnt a defining moment in how we feel about each other on a familial level

CALIBORN: DAVE.

DAVE: genetically hes my father or whatever but i definitely dont see him as a father and he looks exactly like bro did but i dont want to draw that parallel with him because he ISNT bro yknow he just shares his genes so i guess i could consider him a regular friend but that doesnt seem right either

CALIBORN: DAVE.

DAVE: so im caught in this limbo of trying to show him i care about him without addressing exactly how we fit into each others lives and i think hes doing the same thing but im not sure and theres no way for me to ask that so i guess

CALIBORN: DAVE. DAVE LISTEN TO ME.

DAVE: oh god im sorry you were telling me about your day keep going i wanna hear about the shitty kids

CALIBORN: DAVE. WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE SHITTY KIDS. LATER. BUT NOW IT IS TIME FOR. FEELINGS.

DAVE: what

CALIBORN: I HAVE A SOLUTION. TO YOUR PROBLEM. BECAUSE I HAVE A SOLUTION. TO ALL PROBLEMS. I AM JUST THAT GREAT.

DAVE: uh

CALIBORN: I WILL TALK TO THE DIRK HUMAN. GET THE “DL”. THAT MEANS DOWN LOW. WHICH IS HUMAN SLANG. FOR INFORMATION. AND REPORT BACK TO YOU.

DAVE: cal thats really sweet but i dont think thats a great idea

CALIBORN: FORTUNATELY YOU ARE WRONG. ALL OF MY IDEAS ARE GREAT. BESIDES. WHILE YOU WERE TALKING INCESSANTLY. I ALREADY TEXTED THE DIRK HUMAN. HE AND I ARE GOING. “SHOPPING.”

DAVE: what the fuck why

CALIBORN: HE WOULD LIKE HELP IN SURPRISING. HIS MATE.

DAVE: i dont want to know what that means i dont want any of this to be things that are happening

CALIBORN: DAVE. I AM SORRY. BUT THINGS WILL NEVER STOP FROM KEEP HAPPENING. CONSTANTLY.

DAVE: fuck


	3. That’s an ominous way to describe a shopping trip but alright

KARKAT: PLEASE TELL ME WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE HERE

DIRK: I feel like it should go without saying.

KARKAT: OK GOOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO

DIRK: Personally, I was thinking Mexican tonight. A new place just opened up over on Grove Street and I believe it is family-owned.

KARKAT: DIRK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

DIRK: Well if neither of us want to cook tonight I figured it would be a good time to check it out.

KARKAT: YOU FUCKING IDIOT I’M TALKING ABOUT DAVE AND HIS NEW MURDERY ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND

DIRK: Oh, well now I am a little disappointed. It has that small-town aesthetic that I know you love.

DIRK: To be totally honest I was going to surprise you by taking you there for our anniversary but I supposed I’ve ruined that now.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK THAT IS UNCHARACTERISTACLLY SWEET OF YOU

DIRK: Karkat, I am obviously the romantic type. How is that not totally obvious by now? Besides, I think Dave can take care of himself.

KARKAT: CAN HE

KARKAT: CAN HE REALLY

DIRK: …

DIRK: Huh, Caliborn actually just texted me. It seems he wants to hang out.

KARKAT: WHAT

DIRK: Hold on a second.

undyingUmbrage (uu) began jeering timaeusTestified (TT)

uu: DIRK HUMAN. I HAVE A REQUEST. I WOULD LIKE YOU AND I TO ENGAGE IN. ACTIVITES.

TT: As flattering as that is I do believe I’d be violating “Bro Code” between Dave and I. Karkat would not appreciate that sort of thing either, although if it was hate-based he might not mind.

uu: WHAT THE FUCK. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

TT: Nothing. What exactly do you mean?

uu: I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE NICE. FOR YOU AND I TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER. CONSIDERING I AM COUPLED WITH YOUR OFFSPRING.

TT: I wouldn’t really consider Dave to be my “offspring” but I do understand what you’re saying.

TT: Actually, I may know just the thing for us to do. Karkat and I’s anniversary is in two days and I have found myself without a gift.

uu: WHAT IS AN ANNIVERSARY.

TT: It’s a way to celebrate the successful capturing and domesticating of a romantic partner. Karkat and I have been together for about a year now.

uu: I SEE. THIS IS A THING. THAT SHOULD BE CELEBRATED. YOU SHOWING YOUR SUPERIOR MENTAL STRENGTH. OVER THAT OF A TROLL. EVEN ONE AS MEEK AS KARKAT. IS STILL AN INCREDIBLE FEAT. CONSIDERING HOW WEAK HUMANS ARE.

TT: Yeah. Anyway, would you like to accompany me in shopping for him?

uu: YES. THE DEAL. IS SEALED.

TT: That’s an ominous way to describe a shopping trip but alright. See you tomorrow.

timaeusTestified (TT) ceased being jeered by undyingUmbrage (uu)

DIRK: Ok, so what are we going to do about dinner?

KARKAT: GOD DAMN IT DIRK YOU CANT JUST IGNORE THIS

DIRK: I’m not ignoring anything. In fact, I am making more of an effort to deal with the situation than you are.

KARKAT: DONT PULL THAT SHIT WITH ME

KARKAT: WE BOTH KNOW THAT THIS IS YOUR WEIRD, TWISTED WAY OF DEFLECTING

DIRK: Diving head-first into a social situation with Dave’s partner is deflecting? That doesn’t really make sense.

KARKAT: WOULD YOU FUCKING STOP IT!!! YOUR STUPID MIND GAMES DONT WORK ON ME ANYMORE!!! YOU NEED TO TALK TO DAVE

DIRK: I talk to Dave all the time.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU. I DONT FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH THIS ANYMORE

KARKAT: COME TALK TO ME WHEN YOURE DONE BEING A BABY

DIRK: What about dinn-

KARKAT: IM GOING TO GO GET FOOD WITH KANAYA. SHE TEXTED ME AWHILE AGO SAYING SHE WANTED TO CATCH UP AND IM A GOOD FUCKING FRIEND

KARKAT: YOU CAN FEED YOURSELF

DIRK: Fine.

KARKAT: FINE


	4. A GIANT FLAMING SACK OF SHIT THAT LACKS BASIC FUCKING DECENCY

CALIBORN: AND THAT IS HOW I INTEND TO USE. MY CONNECTIONS TO THE LAW.

DIRK: Fascinating. I’ll be honest, I’m pretty excited to see how this pans out. Have you heard anything from the university yet?

CALIBORN: MY APPLICATION. HAS BEEN REVIEWED. THEY HAVE REQUESTED I SHOW UP FOR. AN INTERVIEW.

DIRK: Wait are you serious? They actually want an interview with you?

CALIBORN: YOU SOUND SURPRISED. BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW. THAT I CAN BE VERY CONVINCING.

DIRK: I’m starting to see that.

CALIBORN: NOW. ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. TELL ME ABOUT THE PRESENT.

DIRK: You’re the time guy, shouldn’t you be telling me about the present?

CALIBORN: HA. HA HA HA. HEE HEE. HOO HOO.

DIRK: Ok, stop. It wasn’t that funny.

DIRK: Do you think it would be too on-the-nose for me to get him something crab related?

DIRK: Crabs are pretty much the reason he and I started dating.

CALIBORN: WHAT. WHY.

DIRK: Well, I started out making bad zodiac jokes about all the trolls but they either didn’t get them or didn’t care. Except for Karkat. Man, they pissed him off.

DIRK: At least, that’s what I thought at first. I realized after a while of knowing him that pretty much everything pissed him off.

DIRK: Especially the things he liked.

DIRK: It was his weird, backwards way of appreciating things. So, I decided to perform an experiment on him.

CALIBORN: AN EXPERIMENT.

DIRK: Yeah. I bought him a crab necklace to see how he would react to it. He made this huge fuss about it, I guess it looked too much like his alien dad or something. He called me  “A GIANT FLAMING SACK OF SHIT THAT LACKS BASIC FUCKING DECENCY” and then proceeded to wear it every fucking day. I still don’t know if it was out of spite or if he genuinely liked it.

DIRK: I asked him on a date a week later.

CALIBORN: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. BUT I RESPECT IT.

DIRK: Thanks.

CALIBORN: SO. HOW ABOUT YOU TELL ME. ABOUT DAVE.

DIRK: You want me to tell you about your boyfriend?

CALIBORN: IN A WAY. YES. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW. ABOUT YOUR RELATION TO HIM.

DIRK: I thought Dave already explained the ectobiology bullshit to you.

CALIBORN: HE DID. IT WAS DISGUSTING. THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEAN. TELL ME ABOUT. YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

DIRK: My relationship?

CALIBORN: TO DAVE.

DIRK: Yeah, I got that. I’m just not sure how much there is to tell. Dave’s my good bro. We’re bros.

CALIBORN: “BRO” AS IN BROTHERS. OR IN THE HUMAN SLANG OF BEING GOOD PALS.

DIRK: Dude, what the fuck is this about?

CALIBORN: IT ISNT “ABOUT” ANYTHING. IT WOULD JUST PLEASE ME TO KNOW.

DIRK: …

DIRK: Oh look, they have a mug with little crabs all over it. Karkat would hate that.

CALIBORN: WOULD YOU SAY. YOU LOVE DAVE. AS A FAMILY MEMBER.

DIRK: Hey, can you step off? What is your weird fascination with that?

CALIBORN: I AM JUST DOING MY DUTY. AS A PARTNER.

DIRK: What?

CALIBORN: HM. I MEAN-

DIRK: Did Dave ask you to ask me that?

CALIBORN: NOT TECHNICALLY.

DIRK: …

CALIBORN: …

DIRK: The mug is too simple, isn’t it?


	5. Well He’s Obviously Deflecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I make a Karkalicious joke in the one

KANAYA: I Think You’re Making A Bigger Deal Out Of This Than Is Warranted.

KARKAT: KANAYA PLEASE NOT YOU TOO

KARKAT: I NEED YOU TO BE WITH ME ON THIS

KARKAT: DAVE DATING THE GUY THAT TRIED DESTROY ALL OF REALITY IS NOT FUCKING OKAY!!!!!

KANAYA: To Be Fair, That Was Lord English. He And Caliborn Are Completely Separate People.

KARKAT: OH MY GOD NO THEY ARENT!!! THEY ARE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON!!!

KANAYA: Hmm.

KARKAT: OKAY, WHATEVER THAT DOESNT EVEN MATTER

KARKAT: CAN YOU AT ALEAST AGREE WITH ME THAT HE AND DAVE ARE TOTALLY WRONG FOR EACH OTHER?

KANAYA: Oh, Absolutely. I Despise Caliborn And His Terrible Christmas-Colored Aesthetic. Dave Will Come To His Senses Sooner Or Later, We Just Have To Wait It Out.

KARKAT: I DONT WANT TO WAIT IT OUT I JUST WANT MY FUCKING BEST FRIEND BACK FROM THE WEIRD CLAWS OF GREEN SATAN

KANAYA: You And Dirk Are Fighting Again.

KARKAT: WHAT?

KANAYA: I Know You Care About Dave And I Know Nobody Is A Fan Of His Relationship But You Only Get Worked Up Like This When There’s Trouble With Dirk.

KARKAT: GOD YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME WITH ROSE, CAN A GUY GO TWENTY SECONDS WITHOUT GETTING PSYCHO-ANALYZED?

KANAYA: No.

KARKAT: FUCK, WHATEVER

KARKAT: YEAH WE HAD A SMALL DISAGREEMENT BUT ITS NOT A BIG DEAL

KANAYA: What Was It About?

KARKAT: THIS!!! I TOLD HIM I WAS WORRIED ABOUT DAVE AND-

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT, IF I TELL YOU YOURE JUST GONNA TAKE HIS SIDE AND I REALLY DONT NEED THAT RIGHT NOW

KANAYA: Karkat, You’re One Of My Oldest Friends. It Sounds Like You Need To Talk This Out With Someone And Unless You Want To Ask June For Advice That Person Is Going To Have To Be Me.

KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT JADE OR TEREZI

KANAYA: Bringing Jade Into The Mix Means Alerting Davepeta To Your Issues And Terezi Means Vriska.

KARKAT: OH GOD NO YOURE RIGHT

KARKAT: FINE

KARKAT: I TOLD DIRK I WAS WORRIED ABOUT DAVE BEING WITH CALIBORN AND THE FIRST THING HE DID WAS MAKE PLANS TO HANGOUT WITH HIM

KANAYA: With Dave?

KARAKAT: NO

KANAYA: You Mean To Tell Me Dirk And Caliborn Are Going To Hang Out Together?

KARKAT: YES

KANAYA: Well He’s Obviously Deflecting.

KARKAT: THANK YOU!!!!!! THATS WHAT IVE BEEN SAYING THE WHOLE TIME

KARKAT: AND SO OF COURSE I POINTED THAT OUT TO HIM AND HE HAD TO GO START ACTING LIKE A GIANT SHITSTAIN, PRETENDING TO BE ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY AND THE “BIGGER PERSON”

KARKAT: WHEN HE AND I BOTH FUCKING KNOW HES JUST AVOIDING DAVE AS PER USUAL BECAUSE EMOTIONAL CONFRONTATION SCARES HIM SHITLESS

KANAYA: For The Record, I Would Like To Say That I Am Taking Your Side And Rose Would, Too. She Knows Dirk Well Enough.

KARKAT: HM. MAYBE I COULD ASK HER TO TALK TO HIM

KANAYA: He Certainly Listens To Her More Than Anyone Else Besides Dave.

KARKAT: UGH, I WISH HE WOULD JUST SKIP THE DAMN THEATRICS AND TALK TO DAVE DIRECTLY

KARKAT: I KNOW HE HAS AS MUCH OF AN ISSUE WITH THIS AS I DO BUT THERES NO WAY IN HELL HED EVER TELL DAVE

KARKAT: THE GUY FUCKING IDOLIZES HIM. LIKE, THE DAVE FROM HIS UNIVERSE WAS SOME BIGSHOT REVOLUTIONARY MOVIE GENIUS DUDE AND DIRK CANT KEEP FROM PROJECTING THAT ONTO OUR DAVE

KARKAT: AT THE SAME TIME HIS SUPERIORITY COMPLEX INFANTIZES DAVE TO THE POINT WHERE HES KEEPING TABS ON HIS EVERY WHEREABOUT LIKE A FUCKING SECRET AGENT

KARKAT: ITS INSANE AND INFURIATING AND I HATE IT

KANAYA: Sounds Like Vacillation In Paradise.

KARKAT: NO, I DON’T DO KIS-

KARKAT: ITS NOT LIKE THAT

KARKAT: FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE I JUST WISH HED OPEN UP TO ME INSTEAD OF TRYING TO PLAY GOD ALL THE TIME

KANAYA: Well, Would You Like My Advice?

KARKAT: PLEASE

KANAYA: I Think The Best Thing To Do Here Is To Just Let It Go.

KARKAT: ARE YO-

KANAYA: Yes I Am Completely Kidding.

KARKAT: OH THANK JESUS

KANAYA: I Have A Plan. However, It Involves Everyone.

KARKAT: UH

KANAYA: Unfortunately, Getting Davepeta Involved Is Part Of It. They Will Tell Jade Of Course, And Jade Will Tell June Who Will Tell Terezi Who Will Tell Vriska, Ect.

KARKAT: THIS SOUNDS HORRIBLE

KANAYA: Shush. Let Rose And I Handle It. All You Need To Do Is Get Your Boyfriend To Agree To A Double-Date With Jade And Davepeta.

KARKAT: KANAYA THERES NO WAY IN HELL I CAN GET DIRK TO DO THAT

KANAYA: No, You’re Right. Say A Double Date With Rose And I. We’ll Bring Davepeta And Jade Along As A “Surprise”.

KARKAT: THIS IS GOING TO END IN A FLAMING SHIT STORM

KANAYA: Oh Absolutely.


	6. The Gang's All Here Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose and Kanaya join Dirk and Karkat for a relaxing afternoon lunch date.

DIRK: … 

KARKAT: … 

DIRK: Hey. 

KARKAT: HEY 

DIRK: I- 

KARKAT: ITS FINE 

DIRK: I just don’t want things to be weird between us, especially with Kanaya and Rose coming over. 

KARKAT: YEAH 

KARKAT: MAYBE I OVERREACTED 

KARKAT: ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS HOW YOU AND DAVE INTERACT 

DIRK: I’m going to talk to him. 

KARKAT: WAIT WHAT 

DIRK: I think we all just have to understand that everything about who we are and where we came from is completely fucked up, and none of us have any sort of chance at a normal life. 

DIRK: It doesn’t matter if Dave is my brother or genetic son or whatever. He has to know that, too. I mean, Roxy and Rose seem to be handling themselves just fine. 

DIRK: But I will tell him that… 

DIRK: I really like Caliborn. 

KARKAT: IM SORRY WHAT??? 

DIRK: Hear me out. 

KARKAT: NO. NOPE. ABSOLUTELY NOT 

DIRK: Dude, c’mon, I listen to your bullshit constantly. Can I say something for once? 

KARKAT: MY BULLSHIT? MY BULLSHIT????? DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO YOURSELF EVER? I NEVER GET A FUCKING BREAK FROM YOUR CONSTANT FUCKING BULLSHIT. ITS LIKE YOU FIGURED OUT HOW TO ASTRAL-PROJECT YOUR STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS INTO MY BRAIN 24/7 

DIRK: No one’s forcing you to put up with me, if that’s how you really feel. 

KARKAT: NO FUCK YOU 

KARKAT: YOU DONT GET TO PULL THE WHOLE “TORTURED SOUL WOE-IS-ME IM SO MISUNDERSTOOD” SCHTICK WITH ME 

KARKAT: YOURE THE MOST UNDERSTOOD MOTHERFUCKER IVE EVER MET BECAUSE YOU MAKE DAMN SURE EVERYONES ALWAYS AWARE OF WHAT YOU THINK 

DIRK: Karkat, look. 

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING 

DIRK: Come here. 

KARKAT: NO DONT TOUCH ME I HATE YOU GO AWAY!!!!!!! 

DIRK: Will you just- 

DIRK: DUDE. 

DIRK: I got you a fucking present. 

KARKAT: I DONT WANT IT! 

DIRK: It’s our anniversary, you’re going to open it. 

KARKAT: … 

KARKAT: YOU GOT ME A MUG 

KARKAT: WITH LITTLE CRABS ON IT 

DIRK: I did. 

KARKAT: THAT IS 

KARKAT: REALLY FUCKING STUPID 

DIRK: I know. Do you like it? 

KARKAT: YEAH 

KARKAT: THANK YOU 

KARKAT: I, UH 

KARKAT: OH MAN I KIND OF FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE 

DIRK: It’s ok, we can just forget this happened or something. 

DIRK: I think, in his own twisted way, Caliborn actually cares about Dave. I’m going to trust Dave’s judgement on this one and I think you should too. 

DIRK: So now we can talk about literally anything else. 

KARKAT: OH BOY 

DIRK: What? 

KARKAT: HM 

DIRK: Dude what? 

KARKAT: WELL 

KARKAT: IT SEEMS I HAVE MADE A SMALL ERROR 

DIRK: What are you talking about? What does that mean? 

DIRK: Ok, we’ll have to talk about this later. I just heard the doorbell. 

KARKAT: (OH GOD OH FUCK) 

ROSE: Hello there, Mr. Strider. 

DIRK: Well hello, Mrs. Lalonde. 

DIRK: Wait fuck. 

DIRK: Is Lalonde still your last name? 

KANAYA: Her Last Name Is Maryam-Lalonde. Also, You Should Know This You Were At Our Wedding. 

ROSE: Are you going to invite the four of us inside? 

DIRK: Yeah, come— 

DIRK: Wait, four? 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < *davepeta saunters up to the pawrty and gives dirk the rare, and highly sweet, bro hug bump* 

DIRK: No, don’t-

DIRK: FUCK. 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < B33

JADE: youre gonna crush him davepeta! 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < sorry! i furgot how fragile he is 

DIRK: I’m not— 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < anyway i cant believe this is the first time im s33ing your pawlace

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < the décor is pretty pawful but i can fix it 

DIRK: What. 

KANAYA: Surprise! 

ROSE: The whole gang hasn’t been all together in quite a while, so we took it upon ourselves to invite everyone. 

KANAYA: Unfortunately, Jade And Davepeta Were The Only Ones Who Could Make It. Everyone Else Was 

KANAYA: Uh 

KANAYA: Busy. 

KARKAT: (dirk i am so so sorry) 

DIRK: (I am going to kill you.) 

KARKAT: OK HELLO EVERYONE FEEL FREE TO HAVE A SEAT IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CHAT AMONGST YOURSELVES I NEED TO 

KARKAT: GO 

KARKAT: DO SOMETHING ELSE 

DIRK: Oh, babe, why don’t I come help you? 

KARKAT: OH NO DONT WORRY ABOUT IT I UH CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS MYSELF 

KARKAT: IT WOULD BE RUDE TO LEAVE OUR GUESTS ALONE ANYWAYS 

KANAYA: Yes Dirk Please Stay. 

DIRK: … 

DIRK: Right. How rude of me. 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < okay while yall were talking i took it upawn myself to fix your living room

DIRK: Oh. 

ROSE: *snirk* 

KANAYA: (Shh!) 

ROSE: Well, I think it looks lovely. 

DIRK: You replaced all of our seating with bean bags. How did you even do that? 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < B33

ROSE: Very ironic looking, if you ask me. 

KANAYA: Yes, Quite. 

DIRK: That’s not even— 

DIRK: You know what? 

DIRK: Sure. Fucking sure. Let me just flop down on this giant bag of sand— 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < beans! 

DIRK: Forgive me. 

DIRK: Beans. 

ROSE: Um. 

ROSE: I believe I just heard someone else at the door. 

DIRK: What? 

KANAYA: (What?) 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < yo i cat it 

KANAYA: (Who Could That Possibly Be?) 

ROSE: (It seems one of our other invitees could make it after all.) 

KANAYA: (Rose. You Weren’t Actually Supposed To Invite Anyone Else That Was Just The Ruse.) 

ROSE: (I thought we were inviting the others in case we needed a distaction.) 

ROSE: (I mean distraction.) 

DAVEPETASPRITE: B33 < hell yeah egbert in the building 

JUNE: hi guys! 

ROXY: wow davepeta u didn’t even introduce me 

ROXY: im all kinds of offended 

DIRK: Ok, yeah. Sure. Whatever. Hey, Roxy. Hi, June. I’m going to go find Karkat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sock ruse was... a distaction.


	7. well now im especially worried about it

timaeusTestified (TT) began pestering turntechGodhead (TG)

TT: Dave.

TT: I need your help.

TT: I’m being ambushed.

TG: what

TT: Davepeta.

TG: oh god

TG: why

TT: Karkat.

TG: motherfuck

TT: Please.

TG: yeah

timaeusTestified (TT) ceased pestering turntechGodhead (TG)

DAVE: yo c-born

CALIBORN: YO. UM. D-DER.

DAVE: ok id say good try but that was terrible

DAVE: anyways im gonna go to the dirkkat house i gotta go bail my bro out

DAVE: apparently catboy me found their way over there

CALIBORN: I SEE. I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU.

DAVE: nah man its cool

CALIBORN: I WAS NOT ASKING. FOR YOUR PERMISSION. I BELIEVE THAT THIS WILL BE. ENTERTAINING.

DAVE: alright yeah youre probably right

CALIBORN: ALSO

CALIBORN: I NEED TO CONVERSE WITH. THE LOUD ONE.

DAVE: karkat?

CALIBORN: YES. HE AND I. HAVE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS.

DAVE: uh

CALIBORN: DONT WORRY ABOUT IT.

DAVE: well now im especially worried about it

DAVE: youve been acting weird ever since that shopping trip with dirk are you guys conspiring against me or something

DAVE: oh my god do you have divorce fever

CALIBORN: WHAT

DAVE: is that why youre going to law school to become a divorce lawyer

DAVE: oh fuck is dirk the one with divorce fever

DAVE: wait no that would never happen

DAVE: karkat on the other hand i could definitely see

DAVE: he could really do better honestly i dont why he stays with dirk hes just a knockoff version of me

CALIBORN: UM

DAVE: wait ok i get it you need to talk to karkat so you can be his divorce lawyer

CALIBORN: NO.

DAVE: oh

DAVE: wait they arent even married are they

DAVE: its so hard to keep track of who tf is legally bound to who in the name of emotional security

CALIBORN: THE SHOUTY ONE IS GOING TO HELP ME. READ.

DAVE: what

CALIBORN: I AM VERY GREAT. AT MANY THINGS. HOWEVER. THE WORDS IN BOOKS. MAKE MY HEAD HURT.

DAVE: and how tf is karkat gonna help with that

CALIBORN: APPARENTLY HE IS A FAN. OF READING.

CALIBORN: VERBALLY.

DAVE: yeah but like still

DAVE: thats weird

DAVE: this is weird

DAVE: hey cal

DAVE: do you ever get the feeling that something is like… off?

CALIBORN: WHAT DO YOU MEAN.

DAVE: just like

DAVE: sometimes i think this isnt the way everything was supposed to go

DAVE: dont get me wrong im happy things went the way that they did

CALIBORN: DAVE.

DAVE: yeah

CALIBORN: YOU TALK TOO MUCH.

tenticleTherapist (TT) began pestering ectoBiologist (EB)

TT: So.

TT: It seems I have made a bit of an error regarding the set-up of this social gathering.

EB: what do you mean?

TT: Well, you see, I wasn’t actually supposed to invite you, June. Or Roxy.

EB: oh :(

EB: why?

EB: should we leave?

TT: No, I think that would make things even weirder. At the very least it would tip off Dirk.

EB: tip him off to what?

TT: This whole thing was an elaborate ruse by Karkat and Kanaya to get Dirk to talk about his feelings. Specifically, ones relating to Dave. Now, normally I’d love to sit here and unpack the Oedipal interpretations of that phrase but I’m operating on a time limit here.

EB: uh

TT: All I need you to do is stay out of the way.

EB: rose this is really bizarre, even for you

TT: It wasn’t my idea.

TT: If I were in charge this would be a lot more interesting.

TT: The things we do for love.

EB: haha ok I think I know what you mean, at least that last part

EB: I’ll just nudge roxy over to the food :)

TT: Actually, you might be able to help.

TT: We need to get Davepeta and Dirk alone.

EB: why? rose I’m all for helping out our friends but this seems kinda overcomplicated and stupid

TT: Well, do you have a better idea?

EB: …

EB: no not really

EB: i don’t see why someone doesn’t just ask dirk to talk to dave himself

TT: Oh, June.

TT: You really haven’t spent enough time around the Striders to fully grasp the extent of their emotional constipation.

TT: Spending three years on a meteor with Dave and my whole life sharing his and Dirk’s genes shines a light on the fact that you cannot ask either of them do anything outright, or they will do the exact opposite of it.

EB: ok but ive been with roxy forever now and she isn’t like that at all!

TT: Us Lalondes are far more emotionally intelligent than our Strider counterparts.

EB: sure

TT: Plus, Roxy isn’t related to Dirk, who I think is the source of the issue. She lacks the common denominator.

EB: ok but you just said you share dirk’s genes so it sounds to me like youre just as much a part of this as him and dave!

TT: Oh, would you look at that.

TT: It appears my phone battery is about to die.

EB: rose oh my god

TT: Tootles, June.

tenticleTherapist (TT) ceased pestering ectoBiologist (EB)

ectoBiologist (EB) began pestering tenticleTherapist (TT)

EB: this is going to end up going really badly i can just feel it

ectoBiologist (EB) ceased pestering tenticleTherapist (TT)

timaeusTestified (TT) began pestering carconoGeneticist (CG)

TT: Where are you?

CG: UM

CG: AROUND

TT: Karkat.

TT: What is this? What’s going on?

TT: Why is Davepeta in my home?

CG: MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO THROW MY HOT ASSHOLE OF A BOYFRIEND A LITTLE SURPRISE PARTY FOR OUR FUCKING ANNIVERSARY

CG: EVER THINK OF THAT, DOUCHEBAG?

TT: C’mon dude I’m not fucking stupid.

CG: YEAH YEAH SO YOU SAY

TT: Watch it.

TT: You know I’m not the party type and I know you’re not either.

TT: So why don’t you just quit the bullshit and tell me what’s actually going on?

CG: OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT

CG: IT APPEARS MY PHONE BATTERY IS ABOUT TO DIE

TT: Don’t you fucking dare.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) ceased being pestered by timaeusTestified (TT)

DIRK: You motherfucker.

KANAYA: Something The Matter, Strider?

DIRK: It seems my hot asshole of a boyfriend is trying to set me up for something, although I can’t figure out what.

KANAYA: Oh.

KANAYA: Well, Do You Think It Could Be Possible That This Was All With Good Intentions?

DIRK: Well, yeah, it prob—

DIRK: Wait.

DIRK: You’re in on it, too.

KANAYA: What No What Would Make You Think That

DIRK: I figured it out.

DIRK: I can’t believe this.

KANAYA: I-

DIRK: Karkat’s trying to get me to break up with him.

KANAYA: What

DIRK: He’s causing a huge fiasco and avoiding me because he KNOWS those are the two things that piss me off the most. On our fucking anniversary, too. The damn coward can’t even dump me himself.

KANAYA: Dirk I Really Think-

DIRK: Don’t try and cover for him, I get he’s your friend and all but I’m feeling pretty betrayed by you right now.

DIRK: Now.

DIRK: I need to go find my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.

KANAYA: Dirk Wait!

KANAYA: Oh Dear.


	8. Jadekat Friendship Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a brief hiatus we are BACK BABY

grimAuxiliatrix (GA) began pestering tenticleThereapist (TT)

GA: Rose

GA: Rose, Are You There? We Have A Bit Of An Emergency.

TT: Oh no.

TT: What happened?

GA: Dirk Thinks He’s Figured Out Our Plan.

TT: Well, that’s not good.

GA: It Gets Worse.

GA: He’s Convinced Himself That This Was All Karkat’s Idea To Uh

GA: Get Dirk To Break Up With Him.

TT: We really can’t go two minutes without them making a giant mess out of everything, can we?

GA: Apparently Not.

TT: Looks like we’re going to have to expedite things. You go wrangle Davepeta and I’ll track down my biological father.

GA: I Am Starting To Have Doubts About This

GA: Maybe We Should Come Clean Before It Gets Out Of Hand?

TT: Don’t be ridiculous.

TT: Just get my part-bird-part-troll-part-cat sibling alone somewhere and let me take care of the rest.

GA: You’re Going To Be The Death Of Me.

TT: I know.

tenticleThereapist (TT) ceased being pestered by grimAuxiliatrix (GA)

JUNE: are you ok kanaya?

KANAYA: Oh Jesus June You Scared Me.

KANAYA: How Do You Always Manage To Approach Without Making Any Sound?

JUNE: im made of wind

KANAYA: I Thought You Were An Heir

JUNE: no i just mean-

JUNE: actually never mind this is really stupid

JUNE: you didnt tell me if youre ok or not

KANAYA: Right.

KANAYA: If We’re Being Honest, I’m Not Ok.

KANAYA: I Think I Might Have Messed Up Pretty Badly.

JUNE: what did you do?

KANAYA: It’s… A Long Story. Rose Thinks We Can Fix Things But I Am Unsure.

JUNE: ooooooh is this about the dirk thing?

KANAYA: How Do You Know About That?

JUNE: well rose didn’t tell me a ton but im pretty good at picking things up. all she said was she’s trying to get dirk to talk to dave about his feelings

JUNE: if you ask me this is a really dumb way to do it

JUNE: rose and jade and i all know dave really well

JUNE: sure he can be a bit of a wall to talk to sometimes

JUNE: but all you really need to do is get a tiny crack in him

JUNE: and then he’ll never shut up

KANAYA: I Guess You’re Right.

KANAYA: We Should Have Just Gotten Dave And Dirk In The Same Room From The Beginning.

JUNE: kanaya you’re really missing the point here

KANAYA: What Is The Point?

JUNE: scheming like this is stupid and is just gonna end up getting people hurt

KANAYA: …

KANAYA: Yeah.

KANAYA: You’re Right. I’ll Go Find Rose And Tell Her That We Need To Stop.

JUNE: or you could just go to dirk directly and tell him whats happening

JUNE: before he makes a big scene about it

KANAYA: I Try To Interact With Him As Little As Possible And Trust Me When I Say I’ve Had My Fill Of Strider For The Day.

JUNE: hahaha ok that’s fair

JUNE: ok i have a solution

JUNE: keep doing whatever it is youre doing and i’ll get roxy to talk to dirk

KANAYA: Tell Her To Tell Him That This Was All A Big Misunderstanding And That Karkat Has No Plans To Leave Him.

JUNE: whoa what???

JUNE: dirk and karkat are breaking up?????

KANAYA: No!

ROXY: whoa dirk and karkat are splitting?

ROXY: wont pretend that i didnt see that comin a billion miles away

ROXY: but aw poor dirky hes gonna b hella sad

KANAYA: They Aren’t Breaking Up!

JADE: oh no, dirk and karkat broke up?

DAVEPETA: B33 < jade its our dream come mew

DAVEPETA: B33 < karkitty’s finally single now you and i can be all over that

JADE: davepeta no

DAVEPETA: B33 < whats the point of being pawly if we cant snatch up the hottest piece of troll ass on the block

JADE: oh my god

KANAYA: CAN YOU PLEASE FUCKING STOP IT? KARKAT IS NOT BREAKING UP WITH DIRK!

DAVEPETA: B33 < damn

JADE: thank god

ROXY: shit now i dont have an excuse to go buy a bunch of ice cream

JUNE: you know we can just do that anyway

ROXY: june u r the love of mah life

JUNE: :)

KANAYA: Great! I’m Glad We Solved That Problem!

KANAYA: All Of You Stay Right Here. Except Davepeta.

DAVEPETA: B33 < OwO?

KANAYA: How Did You Say That Out Loud?

KANAYA: Nevermind, Just Follow Me.

ROXY: june u wanna get outta here and get ice cream for real

ROXY: i cant stop thinkin about the creamy cold goodness now

JUNE: yeah i think leaving would probably be a pretty good idea

ROXY: :)

JUNE: :)

carcinoGeneticist (CG) began pestering gardenGnostic (GG)

CG: HEY

CG: WHATS GOING ON OUT THERE I CAN HEAR SHOUTING

GG: karkat!

GG: where are you???

CG: HIDING

GG: ok yes obviously

GG: WHERE are you hiding?

CG: IF I TOLD YOU WHERE THEN IT WOULDN’T BE HIDING ANYMORE NOW WOULD IT

GG: ughhhhh

GG: whatever

GG: if you wont tell me where you are then im not going to tell you whats happening out here

GG: i will say that it involves you directly and you should come find your stupid boyfriend before he lights the house on fire

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN???

GG: stop being a pussy karkat

CG: WOW LANGUAGE

CG: DONT YOU THINK USING THE TERM “PUSSY” AS A DEROGATORY IS A BIT MISOGYNISTIC

GG: oh my god im not doing this with you right now

GG: karkat dirk thinks you want to break up with him

CG: WHAT????????? WHY???????

CG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

GG: im beginning to regret agreeing to come to this

CG: JADE WHAT DO I DO

GG: i already told you

GG: stop being a pussy

gardenGnostic ceased being pestered by carcinoGeneticist

JADE: knock knock

KARKAT: WHOS THERE

JADE: a friend

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: A FRIEND WHO?

JADE: just let me in you moron

KARKAT: YEAH OK

KARKAT: HOW DID YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS

JADE: this is your bedroom where else could you have gone

KARKAT: FAIR POINT

KARKAT: ARE YOU HERE TO CALL ME A PUSSY AGAIN

JADE: no

JADE: well

JADE: you are being a pussy

JADE: ok i think i got that out of my system now

JADE: no im here because this is a huge mess and i feel partially responsible for agreeing to such a stupid scheme

KARKAT: HOW DO YOU DO IT?

KARKAT: YOU AND DAVEPETA

JADE: i’ll let you in on a little secret

JADE: davepeta and i fight sometimes

JADE: and yet we have never thrown a lunch party for the sole purpose of trying to get other people to solve our problems for us

KARKAT: THIS ISNT EVEN ABOUT DIRK AND I

KARKAT: ITS ABOUT HIM AND HIS STUPID BROTHER WHO HE REFUSES TO TALK TO

JADE: is it karkat

JADE: is it really

KARKAT: …

JADE: because to me it looks like youre purposefully sticking a wedge in your relationship

JADE: are you happy?

KARKAT: NO

JADE: have you told him that?

KARKAT: NO

JADE: would you be happier without him?

KARKAT: …

KARKAT: NO

JADE: then you need to fucking talk to him!

KARKAT: EVERYTHING IS SUCH A MESS NOW I WOULDNT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START

KARKAT: DIRK IS ON THE WAR-PATH AND THERES NO STOPPING THAT ONCE HE STARTS

JADE: karkat dont make me say it again

KARKAT: IM NOT BEING A PUSSY!

JADE: yes you are!!!!!!

JADE: you and him are equal amounts of bad at communicating you just pretend like hes worse

KARKAT: THAT ISNT WHAT KANAYA TOLD ME

JADE: kanaya and rose thrive off of playing stupid games with each other

JADE: but its ok when they do it because theyre ALWAYS both in on the joke

JADE: dirk has no clue whats going on right now

JADE: and from what i put together hes convinced himself that you dont want to be with him anymore

JADE: because youve made him an outsider in his own home

KARKAT: FUCK

KARKAT: OK

KARKAT: SHIT

JADE: roxy and june just left

JADE: kanaya dragged davepeta off to prep them to talk to dirk

JADE: text dirk

JADE: tell him to come talk to you

JADE: i can deal with everyone else

KARKAT: JADE

JADE: yes?

KARKAT: THANK YOU

KARKAT: YOURE A REALLY GOOD FRIEND

JADE: i know

JADE: you are too 

JADE: now go fix this

turntechGodhead (TG) began pestering timaeusTestified (TT)

TG: yo we here

TT: We?

TG: yeah c-born tagged along

TT: Oh wonderful. More people in my house is exactly what I wanted.

TG: you texted me for help dude dont get sassy with me

TT: Things have gotten more out of hand since then.

TT: I can’t find Karkat anywhere.

TG: i thought this was about davepeta

TT: It was. Now it’s about me dunking on my manlet of a boyfriend before he can do it to me first.

TG: dude what

TT: I’m breaking up with Karkat.

TG: oh shit you DO have divorce fever

TG: called it

TT: Hold on.

TT: He’s pestering me as we speak.

TG: ok well what do i do

TT: I don’t know nor do I care.

TG: great im really glad i took time out of my day to come to your rescue

TT: Actually, could you keep everyone else occupied for a moment?

TT: I’m not a fan of dramatic scenes.

TG: dirk strider the least dramatic person in existence

TG: sounds about right

TG: but yeah ill stall for you

TG: you owe me

TG: both for stalling and for being a dick about it

TT: Fine.

TG: actually

TG: before i go

TG: i was wondering

TG: wanna like

TG: hang out tomorrow

TT: Uh.

TT: Sure?

TG: cool cool

TG: just two guys bein dudes

TT: Are you feeling ok? You’re acting really fucking weird.

TG: yeah im chill just we havent hung out in forever yknow

TG: i love caliborn but he doesnt understand how video games work

TT: What about June?

TG: i see june all the time shes like my best fuckin friend

TG: plus i always wipe the floor with her i need some strider-level competition

TT: Fair point. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Or possibly right now, depending on how today works out.

TG: hell yeah

TG: ok bye

turntechGodhead ceased pestering timaeusTestified

JADE: there you are

DIRK: Here I am.

JADE: have you talked to karkat?

DIRK: I have a message from him that I am yet to open.

JADE: ok well he’s in your bedroom

DIRK: Obviously, where else would he have gone?

JADE: if you knew he was there why are you just sitting on the hallway floor?

DIRK: He gets uncomfortable when he has to wait for things.

JADE: you two have to stop playing games

DIRK: This isn’t a game, Jade.

DIRK: This is serious fucking business.

JADE: ok whatever

JADE: (why are both of you so fucking dramatic)

DIRK: What was that?

JADE: nothing

JADE: im sick of watching this

JADE: kanaya is with davepeta and theyre both looking for you

JADE: i recommend you talk to karkat before youre found

DIRK: And I recommend that you stay in your lane.

JADE: talk to me like that again and youll spend the rest of your life 2 inches tall

DIRK: Ha.

DIRK: You don’t get enough credit for how bitchy you can be when you want to.

JADE: god i know right?

JADE: anyway stop stalling or i really will shrink both of you and stick you in a jar until you work out your issues

DIRK: Gross Jade that’s fucking disgusting.

JADE: what?

DIRK: Nevermind, I’ll go talk to him normal-sized.

JADE: good

JADE: because youre on the verge of giving me a migraine


End file.
